Saturday, October 24, 2009

Without. You.

"I'm nothing without you"

Nothing without you? You've been nothing without that other person for what 17,21, 89 years? Up until the point you met that other person you were nothing. There for, after them you will be nothing. Without them you are nothing?
Ridiculous
You rely entirely too much on one person.
You were there before them. Smiled. Laughed. Danced. Had amazing times without them.
So what? You had good times with them. The point is you were fine without them. Happy.
You will be fine again. Happy again.
Without them.
They do not make you.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Creative.

I've lost every ounce of myself.
I used to paint, to draw, to write.
Poems.
Lot's of them.
I'm unaware of what happened.
What caused the sudden ending.
Stop.
But I'm worried of what will happen if I don't find it again.
Get it back.The creativity.

Amber is the Color of your... Energy.

I've been sick. Very sick. For about a week.
The Flu. Strep. Doctors aren't sure.
Gave me medicine and sent me on my way.
It helped. I can get out of bed again. Well physically that is.
Mentally? I'm not too sure.
You didn't visit. You wanted to. You asked. Each day.
But each day I said no.
"I don't want to get you sick."
I said it so much even I started believing it.
But we both know it's not true.
It can't be hard seeing I'm slowing letting you go.
I have no choice.
You've decided everything already.
I've had no choice in the mater.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Sometimes Goodbyes the Only Way

I regret Jared.
Everything about him.
Befriending him.
Talking to him.
Getting so damn close to him.
It almost makes me sick.
I was wrong.
He was wrong.
Both of us were so wrong.
He had his girlfriend.
But they were having so much trouble.
I know I was used.
But you get what you deserve.
I was the other girl.
For him.
For her.
God I regret that.
-Peace, Chazzie.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Upon A Star

I wish my best friend wasn't so self centered,
my sister not such a hypocrite,
my parents no so controlling,
him a little more open to change and sacrifice,
and myself a little less stupid

Sunday, September 6, 2009

I'm pretty sure things couldn't get worst.
I can't see the one I love.
The one I thought loved me.
No effort seems to be put into what has to be done.
For us to be together.
Unlike me, he has/had a choice...
And I'm beginning to see just what he is choosing.
And I'm not sure what hurts more,
Knowing he wants me
Or knowing he wants the weed more.
I've been told I deserve better.
That they are only looking out for me.
But how will I ever grow.
Ever be me.
With out making my own choices.
Mistakes.
They've caused the one thing that made me the happiest
to hurt me the most.
And I don't know if I'll ever understand how any of this
is for my own good.
I'll move on.
But will I ever be happy?
I almost thank them for making him choose.
For showing me they were right.
He doesn't care.
Doesn't love me.
Not like how he told me.
Not like how I believed.
I need to think of where I'll go from here.
How to end this chapter and start the next.
-Peace, Chazzie

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Eh...

You hurt me. Upset me.
And the last thing I want to do is go to a party.
With you and your stupid friends.
And watch you get stoned. And watch him get wasted.
Why is there a you? Why is there a me?
But nothing in between.
Where is the us?
I can't live this double life you've put me in.
I'd walk through fire to save you.
But then, who'd save me?
-Peace, Chazzie.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

And So It Begins

It was a simple fight.
You never do anything around here. Worthless. You've always got an attitude. Hateful-ass.
Who knew it'd start a rebellion.
A Revolution.
I sware I'm never going back to that again. I've been walked on. Trampled on. Trash.
By the ones whom supposedly love me.
Just a word. Nothing more. No meaning in it. Or anything else.
I find it hard to believe what my life's become.
Work. Friends. Work. Fights. Work. Little brothers.
I don't understand how everything can be so boring.
So meaningless. Nothing has feeling. No movement. Or change.
But it has to change.
Again I sware I'm never going back to that.
He's going to help me.
Put a little excitement into my life.
I'm going to smoke with him. Get high with him. Weed.
I'm going to sleep with him. Fall in love with him. Sex.
And I'm going to believe every single word his pretty mouth speaks.
Because I want him to break my heart.
Give a reason for the tears.
-Peace, Chazzie.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I shall...

I wanna disappear from the Earth. Just for a day. See what it's like. To be here. And then not. I wonder who'd miss me. Or who'd even notice I was gone.
.-.
I can't go on being disappointed. It's a terrible feeling. You get excited. Get your hopes up. And then you get nothing. Nothing is as it seems. Life is a disappointment. I wonder if I shall be as well.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Friends. Till. The. End.

Friends are wonderful things to have.
I love mine.
They are more than the world to me.
Tiffany.
Beautiful, strong, patient Tiffany.
Been through more than anyone ever.
I love her.
I miss her.
And it kills me I can't be with her.
Help her and save her.
She told me things, that night.
With to many Jaguar bombs,
and shots of vodka.
I had never been so scared in my life.
There was nothing I could do.
And it kills me.
I promise her one day everything will be fine.
And it will be.
One day.
I have to believe it.
Arielle.
Prettiest person I've ever seen, on the outside.
Inside has a lot of her mother in her.
But who doesn't?
Smart, talented.
Wish you could see what I see when you look in the mirror.
Marle
God you are wonderful.
Always there in a heartbeat.
You are amazing.
You'd do anything for anyone, no questions asked.
Which makes you so vulnerable.
I'm sorry the worlds cold.
And I'm sorry you'll have to learn this the hard way.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Try And Remember

I miss a lot of things.
Tiffany, Bear, Mom, the cold, ice cream, lunch time, libraries, rain, corn mazes, Jaci, best friends, and grandpas and sisters.
It's hard missing something that's right beside you.
But we all do.
You can reach out and touch it.
But the feelings it once gave you are no longer there.
Laughing. Crying. Dancing. Singing. Memories
I miss being a kid.
No work, just summer time and swimming. Hot dogs and fireworks. Dance class.
Thunder storms and coloring pages.
No boys.
No love or lust.
No heartbreak.
No expectations.
I miss having a family.
Bike rides and snowmen. Pillow fights and card games.
When conversations involved two people talking.
And mommy and daddy where meant for each other.
I miss the touch, the feel, the taste, of you.
And when there was no.
You.
Peace, Chazzie.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

And It All Starts With Hello

So I sit here... wondering... Why blogging?
Where do you even start?
The beginning some might say.
But maybe the beginning isn't so sweet.
Who likes sweet anyway?
So I won't start at the beginning.
I'll start right here.
Right now.
.-.
God I'm glad thing has spell check.
Because let me tell you kids.
My spelling is not in check.
You'd think sixteen year old wouldn't need to use spell check.
Wouldn't you?
Well lets just say I'm not the smartest cookie in the cookie jar.
Brightest tool in the shed.
And I'm second in my class.
Haha.
God that says a lot for my school.
Burn.
In.
Hell.
CHS.
;)
.-.
So I started watching Into The Wild today.
And I think I'm in love.
His craziness is just a little to sexy.
Can I get a woot woot.
But anyway.
I wish I was like him.
Totally against society.
In ways I think I am.
Which makes me proud.
I actually got My Scream of the Day from him.
.-.
This is definitely not how I wanted my first blog to go.
It shouldn't have been insight.
Told you about.
Me.
I guess maybe it did.
Maybe.
P.S. Dork is a cute word.
Dork