Friday, April 30, 2010

La. La La La. La La La

It's been a very long year.
I'm kinda suprised I've survived it.

From us getting together.
You getting kicked out.
And all the other shit we've been through.
I still somehow love you.

From the best friendships.
To no friendships at all.
We will never recover with you the way you are.

I need to set my goals for the summer.
What I want to complete before senior year.

Number 1. Independent. I want to rely on no one. At all.
That will be a challenge.

Number 2. I want to get rid of my boobs.
And if starving myself is the only way.
So be it.
I will get down to a B.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Maybe Someday we'll figure all this out...

God what I wouldn't give to feel whole again
Or even human
I don't sleep
Food kills me when it enters my body
I'm a fucking walking zombie
I need to focus what little energy I have
on something positive
Like working out
or drawing
but that takes motivation.
And I don't even have the motivation to get out of bed

...I need to get high...

Jared is a fucking nightmare.
He comes in on Friday
Our converstation was a little less than amusing
He should probably disappear... again
Get out of my mind.
Or what's left of it

I'm probably losing it
Definetly losing it

If I believed in God, I'd probably pray for myself.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Until the day I die...

I guess you could say he beat the time limit.
Well not really.
He was about an hour and a half late.
But he cried.
Told me he loved me.
That he didn't want to lose me.
And I told him it would all be alright.
He made me promise.
And promise I did.
And it will be.
Because no matter how much shit he gives me.
I don't want anyone else.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

10368000 Seconds.

This is so fucked up.
And I feel like complete shit.
We can't talk. We can barely look at each other.
And there's not a damn thing I can do to fix it.
I won't even fucking try.
I'm done trying.
Done breaking my back for you.
I think it's about time you step up.
Prove to me you want this.
Because I'm done doing it all.
It's your turn.
You've got 48 hours.
2 whole god damn days.
To prove what I've proved for almost a year.
Starting now.
10:30 P.M.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Remember, darkness does not always equate to evil, just as light does not always bring good.
P.C. Cast.

Well... Shit.

I hate what I've let myself become. What you've made me.
Less than weed. Less than a drug. Less than a mind altering substance.
I've been completely degraded and taken for granted.
I've been there every time things went to shit.
I've seen the tears, kissed them away.
And wanted to kill people for you.
I've listened and believed in the times you've said it would change.
Said that you loved me. Wanted me. Would do anything for me.
I was worth it. But I'm worth nothing more than the taste of my lips.
I've been through hell and back. And I've got the burn marks to prove it.
I've never been stupid. Never been naive.
I see through every lie and I've never and will never believe a word you say.
Because I've got no reason to.
You've done nothing but prove every person that's told me, keeps telling me,
You won't change. Don't care enough about me to do so.
You've proved everyone of them right.
I could hate you.
I should hate you.
You broke me. You lost me.
Made me lose me.
And yet I long for your voice. Need your touch.
And love every word that comes out of that mouth of yours.
I'm no where close to hating you.
I couldn't if I tried.
The only person I hate is myself.
I'm the only one to blame.